Having a kid is a lotta work, there’s no denying that. And it is a lot of unpleasant things. But any parent will tell you “it’s all worth it”. I’m not sure about that just yet, but hey, we are only a few months in! Just kidding, it definitely is worth it.
But you know what helps when you’re covered in spit up and poo and the baby has been crying for an hour and it’s 3am and you’re not sure what your name is anymore? Laughter!
So I came up with a list of funny things I’ve heard or said, or stories I’ve been told about things new parents do, say, and think. Feel free to add your own in the comments!
You know you’re a new parent when…
- You have no idea what day it is, or even what month usually
- You’re pretty sure you showered, on Tuesday… of last week…
- You discover a new thing you can do with only one hand every day
- You drop food on your baby’s head, and just wipe it off, or eat it
- You’ve worn or carried your kid while peeing, and felt guilty
- You now look at your diaper stash, which previously you thought would surely last until kindergarten, and think, “maybe I should buy a few more cases while they’re on sale…”
- You wake in the night to make a bottle or breastfeed and think “I cannot wait until they can eat solid food!”
- You look at the floor, baby, walls, and think, “why did I let them start eating solid food??”
- Your baby takes a longer than normal nap, and you have to check a few times just to make sure they’re still breathing
- You’ve invented approximately 14567 new baby songs, and can’t remember any of them
- If you’ve never been good at napping, suddenly you have that ability, because your body just shuts off anytime it can
- You realize you now talk to everyone, including your spouse, parents, and the dog, in a high pitched silly baby voice
- Everything now ends in “ies” and rhymes whenever possible “changies”, “milkies”, “burpies”…
- You’re already out of the house and think “huh, I hope I have pants on / my shirt isn’t covered in milk / my underwear aren’t inside out”
- People ask how you’re doing and you say “fine, great!” while thinking “HAAAAAAAALP! I haven’t left the house in 2 weeks or slept since October, I have no idea where any of my socks are and we’re running low on frozen pizzas!”
- Someone brings you food, or does your dishes, and you just want to hug them until they can’t breathe
- You find some old food in your bra… and probably eat it
And more input from the amazing folks of Twitter (there are some significant trends…):
- “When sleep and time for yourself is one of life’s greatest luxuries” – Dr. McFrugal
- “Lunch is at 10:30” – Kirk
- “It’s 9:30pm and you’re upset you’re not in bed” – Mr. Burrito Bowl
- “When baby finally sleeps through the night and you run to check the crib in the morning” –Steve
- “I’ll try to remember to come back to this when I have a spare minute…” – Dillon @ Dollar Revolution
One thought on “New parent humor”
Very good write-up. I certainly appreciate this website. Keep writing!