So a while ago, my husband and I had the opportunity to host a wine tasting. I know, sounds totally grown up right?
I’m lucky enough that my mom knows a lady she went to nursing school with ‘back in the day’, who now lives near the beach and owns a wine store. This lady also has a daughter near the same age as I, (we used to hang out together, ‘mom friend’ free babysitting ftw) who happens to now live & work in the same area of the Triangle! Life’s full of crazy coincidences, am I right?
They offered to bring the wine, while I invite friends and supply the house & food. Hopefully said friends then buy their wine, and it’s a win win for everyone!
During this wine tasting, we were chatting with some people there. And during the conversation they kindly complimented our (modest) home, at which point my friend said something to the effect of:
Oh yeah, they are like real adults, they have their shit together!
Hubs and I looked at each other and laughed.
Later that week though, we had a long discussion about it. We both felt that the statement was inaccurate, since we didn’t feel like adults. We both found it amusing that others saw us and thought we had it all figured out.
Though, when we thought about it, we do a lot of “adult” things now. Like having a bedtime before 10pm, staying in a lot more often, enjoying red wines like Merlot & Syrah instead of Moscato and Ice Wine, and contributing to our work 401K plans and our own other investment accounts.
Maybe we are, like, real adults now?
And from there came some more lightbulb moments.
It’s all about perspective
What is success to one person may be utter failure to another. For example, we met because we were both admitted to a PhD program in Human Medical Genetics & Genomics. Sounds impressive right? Well, turns out we both left that PhD program within 3 years. Not quite as impressive huh?
But it was the right choice for us, and we don’t regret it one bit, because it brought us together, along with many other friends and experiences we wouldn’t have had otherwise.
We also struggle with comparing ourselves to others we read about. When you dive deep into FIRE bloggers, it becomes a balancing act that is easy to lose between admiring those who became millionaires by 30, and becoming utterly despondent when you realize that it will not happen for you due to the choices you’ve made.
While there will always be people who seem to have it “more together”, there will also always be people who are way more of a train wreck. The best person to judge your life by, is past you.
You are your worst critic
We all have things we wish we could change. We wish we had picked a different school, had chosen different roommates, tried a different career path, lived closer to work, didn’t move to that city, asked that guy out on the train, had kids earlier, or later, or not at all.
Life is too short to allow yourself to get caught up in the whirlwind that is comparison and negative thoughts.
Whenever I find myself getting depressed that my retirement account balance hadn’t hit 6 figures by the time I graduated college (hahaha, or even existed…), I remind myself to be thankful that I now have a job that gives me regular raises, a 401K, and matching.
If I catch myself thinking about where I could be salary wise if only I’d gotten a job right out of college rather than pursuing another 6 years of post-graduate education, I look back over my multiple career hops that catapulted me from $14/hr into a comfortable salary range in 3 years.
Think back on your life from last month, last year, 5 years ago, or 20 years ago. And think of all the things you have accomplished, and hopefully changed for the better. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
No one really has it ‘figured out’. No one.
If you have an honest conversation with your parents, grandparents, parents of your friends, mentors or older coworkers, they may admit to feeling all these things too at some point in their lives. Maybe they even still feel that way today, in denial about how old their own “babies” are, or the fact that they are old enough for retirement.
Most people seem to have an age between 16 and 40 where they mentally stop aging. No matter what they look like physically, in their mind they always feel that young. Growing pains and a fear and dislike of “becoming an adult” are not new to our generation.
However we do have many significant differences in our world today vs. our parents’ or grandparents’ generations.
It’s true that millennials today are taking longer to achieve the milestones that we associate with adulthood. We are waiting longer to get married, if we even getting married at all. We are waiting longer to have children, if we even have children at all. We are more dependent on our parents, less likely to be financially independent, and seem to have “lost the map” on the road to growing up.
The mistake here is confusing “growing up” with “giving up” or “settling”, thinking an adult is someone who is resigned to living a dull, complacent life, going through the archetypical boring steps of a mundane repetitive job, accepting conventional thoughts, and never growing or changing.
But in fact, growing up is more of an awakening. It is realizing that you need to know important life skills to survive on your own in this world like all the DIY knowledge Handy Millennial shares. Growing up is paying your own bills with your own money, making that money work for you, making your own doctors appointments and taking control of your health, especially if you have a close call like Mrs. PP.
When you talk about growing up in this sense, no one is ever really “grown up”—it’s a constant balancing act, a perpetual state of learning and changing and growing. Adulting is hard. But no matter what age you are, you are never to old to learn, explore, and change your mind. Growing up is about the journey, not the destination.
Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses
Becoming, and the endless process of being, an adult, sometimes seems like a long endless list of chores.
Take out trash, do the dishes, do the laundry, put it away, go get groceries, cook dinner, do more dishes, meal plan, budget, pay the rent, remember birthdays, send a card, fix the wobbly table, get an oil change, remember wiper fluid, fill the tank, make a doctors appointment, check portfolio balances, price-compare day cares, take fluffy to the vet, fill prescriptions, cut the lawn…
Anyone else feel their blood pressure rising with every word?
It is better to not focus on all the things you “can” and “should” and “will” do as an adult, and work smarter not harder. Sometimes, it is okay to trade your money for your time. Pursuing FIRE is about trading money now for time later. But there are times in life, when in the interest of maintaining sanity and quality of life, you should trade your money now for your time now.
Sometimes, money actually can buy happiness.
Maybe you are in a critical and stressful point of your career, or just became new parents, have an aging parent to care for, or have a physical reason you cannot do tasks you were once able to do. If you cannot handle your own lawn maintenance, laundry, housework, oil changes, or taxes, it is okay to recognize and admit that.
You also need to recognize that you cannot be good at every thing. And that is okay. In fact, that is preferable!
Imagine if everyone on the planet only wanted to farm all day. We would have mountains of grain, corn, and vegetables, all the fresh dairy and meat and eggs we could eat. But then, how would we get new clothes, shoes, or sheets, who would be sorting and delivering the mail, running businesses, or governing? No one can do every thing, but everyone can do something.
The point is, try different things until you find those things that you excel at, and preferably also enjoy doing. That is where you will find your happy place. And if you can also find a way to get paid for those things? You have totally nailed adulting.
This also directly relates to dating, relationships, and marriage.
There will be some things that you are really good at; maybe you love doing dishes or balancing the household budget. Look for a partner who compliments you, and fills in the gaps in your skills. Recognize what you bring to the table, and appreciate what they are good at as well, to keep a balanced and healthy relationship. Team work makes the dream work.
Life is a series of choices
You can choose to stay up all night playing games. But you know that you will be tired the next day. You can choose to spend every penny of your paycheck. But know that you are tightening those golden handcuffs. You can choose to continue expensive hobbies, nights out on the town, and big yearly vacations. The trade-off is your money, time, and freedom.
You can also choose to eat right and exercise, starting now. Know that you are elongating your lifetime and improving your experience of it. You can choose to make a budget and meal plan and learn to cook at home. The trade off is less time for other pursuits, but a higher quality of food for yourself, and a valuable life skill.
Choose fun. Choose gratitude. Choose grace. Choose friendships. Choose self love. Choose to stay young at heart.
Choose to listen to and ACT on this advice on how to become financially secure by 30 from the wise women at Bitches Get Riches. Don’t make my mistakes and delay getting a “real job” (aka “real money”) and especially don’t delay investing! Even if you have no idea what you’re doing, any dollars is more than zero dollars.
Make the better choices, and reap the rewards of a long and happy life full of financial security and freedom. Make the wrong choices, and you may be staring at a retirement far, far away, that will be anything but financially secure.
With mere days remaining until I ring in my 30th year on this planet, this may be the first birthday since turning 19 that I’ve “felt” older. I have achieved almost all of the ephemeral “goals” society holds up as evidence of adulthood, like a career, a stable income, solid savings, marriage, and a home that we own.
But truly, I feel like I’ve grown as a person, and come to terms with many physical and financial truths this past year. I’ve finally taken control of my investing, and begun executing a plan for my path to Financial Independence. No more funneling a percent of my check away every month, never to be thought of again. (Don’t get me wrong though, I still have SO MUCH to learn.)
I’ve recognized the effects of age in a physical sense through the slowing of my metabolism, the agony of maybe actually needing to use under-eye concealer someday soon, and the vengeance of a hangover these days. I’ve gotten over my initial denial and temper tantrums, and created an actual plan to lose weight and feel healthier, and put it into place. And guess what? It’s working!
I choose to have a positive perspective, to keep making the right choices for my mind, body, and financial future. One day at a time, one dollar at a time, one grueling ten minute workout at a time, one home cooked whole foods meal at a time. I am building the best and strongest future that I can, each and every day. Adulting is hard, but I’m ready for it.
I can’t wait to see what awesomeness awaits in my 30s & in 2018!
How about y’all, any words of wisdom from those who are good at adulting? Or those who have no idea what they’re doing! All are welcome here.